This is me, coming out in a clandestine fashion...

I really love that word, Clandestine. Especially when using it with a capital C. I also enjoy ellipses. Bear with me.


And so I digress... (there they are again)

I recently revealed to a whole person the one thing I kept a secret for the better part of seven years, something I've learned over time really doesn't need to stay a secret forever. Maybe one day the whole world will know, but for right now I'll settle with that one person, a very dear to my heart person. And were it not for discovering her own secret, even she might not know. I'd have hidden it away in the depths of my heart where the emotional barriers keep everything safe and blah blah blah.

I hate the term lesbian. It makes me feel gross and icky and disgusting. There's just something about that particular word that I just don't like. I'd rather be called a faggot than a lesbian, but they are both one and the same. Faggot just happens to be relatively vulgar in that particular community. 

To be quite honest, I don't like any of the terminology. Homosexual makes me giggle though. I could come up with new terminology and I have a few offensive ones that come to mind, but that wouldn't be fair, now would it? 

But yes. I am gay. Lesbian. Homosexual. Whatever, I don't care. It all means the same thing. I am not actively seeking a relationship at all, but knowing what side of the fence I play on kind of helps narrow it down. 

As a Christian (gasp! I thought Christian homosexuals were heathens!), I spent a great deal of time worrying that if I even thought about my orientation I might be condemned to hell forever and ever amen. But you just can't put something like that out of your mind. It's impossible. In fact, such an impossibility is the reason I'm even typing this right now...I think. Whatever. You try hanging out in my mind long enough to produce one blog post that isn't a sporadic train of thought. I'm supposed to be asleep. But I'm not.

That dear friend I told you about? Devout Christian. Not a mean bone in her entire body. Due to the religious stigma, she's also the last person I would have ever expected to have such a revelation, but alas, she did. And when I found out, my world flipped upside down for some reason I don't even know. At that point I realized, Well, you should probably speak up. If she's gay, then it's okay if you are too. So I did. I worried for a while like a silly goose, because maybe I imagined what I read. I dream frequently when I sleep, so it's definitely plausible.

Except for that one detail where this is real. And admitting who I am? Just saying the word makes everything I've hidden real. GAY. I wonder why I dislike that word...

Despite knowing the hateful rejection and discrimination she received (which makes me very grumpy, and in the wrong mind, I might want to fight), she welcomed the news with open arms. Even told me God didn't hate me, which I greatly appreciate, and I couldn't possibly be any more thankful to have her as a confidante. 

Now, the next question is: Who will know next?

Well, no one, of course! While me telling people "Hey, guess what? I'M GAY" will just lead to them responding with "Really? We already knew this", I enjoy that element of surprise I still have.

And question number two: Who's heart do I want to steal?

No one. None. Zero. There isn't a soul on this planet I want. Because in order to have a successful relationship even if I wasn't gay, both parts need to be committed. Meaning the emotional walls around my heart have to come down. Those walls keep me safe and grounded and prevent anything bad from happening to it. I could tell you where they come from and who helped put them there, but that's for another time. I've been hurt several times in my life, along with anyone in the world ever. Unfortunately for me, I chose to cope by completely shutting down that part of my emotions. Love I am capable of. I know how to do that. Being in love is a concept completely foreign. 

Did you see what I did there? I strayed from the topic of this post. If I keep doing that, I'm going to have to close it.

Like now. 

-DCV-