My eyes grow distant. You can talk to me, speak to me even. And while I hear you loud and clear and process everything you are saying to me, it might as well go in one ear and out the other. Everything around me freezes. Just stops. Comes to a quick and hasty stop.
My face feels hot as the blood rushes to the brain to fuel the signals firing over and over and over. My teeth are clamped shut with my tongue pressed against them, not quite sure what to do in this instance. My back straightens to an overwhelming degree (people say I "bow up" like I'm ready to fight) and I suppose I puff out my chest a little bit. Let's face it: I'm ready to fight.
My hands clench. Then unclench. Then clench. If you see my hands look like I'm trying to crack them without actually using the other hand, it's usually a problem.
My breath quickens. My chest puffs out in a futile attempt (at least I think so) to open the lungs allowing more air flow. And I only breathe through my nose. The breaths exit through my nose in quick almost audible bursts. My mind is racing over and over replaying what ever happened to pump the blood to the rapidly firing signals in my brain. It races, replays, twists. Whatever happened has been raped to a point to where my mind is now processing the situation inaccurately. Ever tell someone something and it get back to you in a completely different fashion? Like that. Only it takes about 45 seconds and all occurs within my own head. (this is a problem, my therapist tells me. I twist situations in my head until I'm now mad over something that doesn't exist) It's at this moment where rational thought doesn't exist. Whether you're a saint in my eyes, or the worst person ever. What I want the absolute most at this current moment is to destroy you.
Also at this current point in time, nothing else in the entire world matters. I don't care if I love you. I don't care if you suck. I don't care if I've never met you, or we've known each other forever. All I know is this: Someone's about to fucking die.
I'm almost positive what your next question is. What do I do? How do I calm you down?
Nothing. There is nothing you can do. You can talk to me, tell me I'm being ridiculous for being this absolutely irate over nothing, and it'll only fuel the burning fire. You can hug me in an attempt to console me, but that doesn't work either. I'll automatically subconsciously process it as you being condescending, and now you are the new reason I'm seeing red right now. On extremely rare occasions can someone talk me down. It usually never works.
Don't talk to me. Don't fucking touch me because then all I will want is to fucking kill you. I'm not capable of such, but it's at this instance where I'm at my breaking point, and that's a fragile state. Because if I snap, you really are going to die. But that's not the scariest part. What's terrifying is I know how to kill you with my bare hands.
Ride it out. Wait for it to be over. And for God's sake, stay the fuck away.
Pardon my French, but this is my damn blog. I'm not censoring myself for anyone.
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