A friend of mine invited me to Buffalo Wild Wings for her twenty-first birthday, which I felt I needed to be there. These are milestones you're only going to experience once. Her boyfriend of a year handed the waitress his phone, and in front of God and everyone, proposed to her. Naturally, she agreed, as most of those stories go.
Another individual, a female, had said she would attend and went as far as to tell me I was her date. Okay, cool. I'll play along. As dates tend to go, not attending counts as standing me up which is precisely what she did. I'm not offended about it at all, but the principle of the matter is still there. People have informed me that she's bisexual, and she's convinced of what I am. Though I deny it tenfold, she's right. I think she hits on me just to see. She gives me hugs occasionally, and I don't know what she's trying to prove with that, and I know I'm overthinking this.
So in the hours leading up to this brief soiree at B Dubs, I allowed my mind to entertain itself with thoughts of her. I had a "date" and amused myself by thinking of it. Unfortunately, the conclusion I came to is not what you would think. She's full of herself and a tease, and thinks she's above everyone else. I had her pegged as a heartbreaker from the start, and that turns me off. If I think you'll hurt me in the end, I'm not letting you in from the start. If nothing else, her "standing me up" proved that in the end, I won't chase her.
I've told people several times I don't have feelings and they look at me like I'm stupid. They've seen me happy, mad, upset, and so on. Emotions, I have. I experience them to such a high extent that at times, I'm not sure how to deal with myself. Feelings, though. I don't have them. Not for me, and not for you. Whenever I come across someone I think I might have them for, the walls refortify and my mind tosses and turns until the attraction is no longer there. Sometimes it takes a great deal of time for the refortification to commence, and sometimes it's fairly quick. I entertained the idea of pursuit with this one woman, and almost instantly removed it from my thoughts.
My stepmother has reminded me time and time again: "Everyone has someone, even you. You just haven't met yours yet."
I am convinced mine isn't there. The one meant for me had to have been killed in an auto accident or something. While I'm finally beginning to embrace who I am, I have not embraced the idea of acting on it. Okay, you're gay. Now what?
I'll tell you what. Absolutely nothing. Sometimes I am jealous of what people have. That love. That connection. Sometimes I actually want it, but then I remind myself I don't. And I continue to do without because I've convinced myself I don't need it.
And then I've convinced myself I am incapable of needing it, hence the "I don't have feelings" ideal.
In closing: Love isn't for me. I am almost incapable of embracing it. I apologize for all the negativity, but you don't have to read this. I also apologize for the length. Short blogs are better than no blogs.
-DCV-
No comments:
Post a Comment